7 of the Girliest Man Events in the World Today

An earth-shattering new report, based on 250 scientific studies around the world, states that chemical pollution is feminizing males of all vertebrate species.

Published by CHEMtrust, a UK-based charity organization, the report details widespread “feminization” in a very literal sense – boys born with smaller penises, British fish with eggs in their testes, Australian cane toads and Arctic polar bears that are hermaphrodites.

It’s all very worrying, but we wonder why it took 250 research papers before anyone cottoned on. We’ve been saying exactly the same thing for years, and here’s our proof:


1. Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Yes, this event is for a good cause, absolutely: “To Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence.” But unfortunately, the way it’s been going about raising cash and awareness since 2002 is more than a little ridiculous. Simply put: men from all walks of life strap themselves into high heels and walk a mile.

The organizers claim the event gets people talking, and they’re probably right. Of course, what they’re actually saying or what this actually does to help the cause is open to question, just like the sexuality of men who’d wear heels.

Seriously, there has to be a better way of tackling the issue than this. It’s degrading to men to pounce about in heels and, let’s face it, dismissive to the plight of abused women. Does anyone believe a few blisters make for an understanding of their suffering? That showing a guy that it hurts to walk in heels will give him any insight to the lifelong pain and sense of violation endured by victims of rape and other violence?

Rape deserves more serious treatment than this, and not only the rape of women. Any guy entering prison stands a high chance of getting raped too, yet this cruel and unusual form of punishment remains acceptable fodder for the jokes of any comedian.


2. The World Artistic Gymnastic Championship’s Men’s Floor Exercise

“Artistic Gymnastics” already sounds pretty fruity. When you chuck in skin-tight leotards, choreography and a soft, bouncy floor across which competitors leap like frolicking gazelles… Well, let’s just say it’s not pretty. Unless you’re a woman or gay, in which case it’s pretty as a pink pony princess.

Quite honestly, we think it sucks. It’s one small, mincing step away from men’s ribbon twirling. And yes, apologists will argue that it’s really difficult to do what these guys do – but so what? It’s difficult to tuck your junk between your legs and waddle about in a kimono but that doesn’t make it manly.


3. Men’s Trampoline Gymnastics

Trampolines are kind of fun for kids or for men watching women bounce on them. Having men bouncing and flouncing in as “aesthetically-pleasing” a manner as possible? Nah, that’s just crap…

Where’s the danger? Besides your shiny sequined pants splitting, that is. Where’s the risk? About the worst that can happen is… You land on a soft, springy net. Boring and rubbish, this sport desperately needs something to spice it up. Maybe some swinging axes and sweeping saw-blades, or even better, just replace those silly kangaroo Jack-offs with honeys in tight, white shirts with huge jugs (of beer).


4. Men’s Synchronized 3 Meter Springboard Diving

Just when you thought we’d seen an end to prancing, pirouetting and leaping, along comes this event. Not only do the entrants shave their bodies and wear Speedos, their entire objective is to gracefully enter a pool. C’mon, that’s just wrong! Everyone knows the only way a real man gets into a pool is:

  • A drunken belly-flop that leaves him looking like he just came off the grill,
  • A hooting cannonball that soaks everyone in a twenty foot radius around the pool,
  • Naked, at midnight, and accompanied by at least two tipsy ladies,
  • Fully-clothed and furious, in a drowning, dunking fight to the death with a bear.

And 3 meters? Really? Here’s a handy rule of thumb: if you can spit as high as something, you don’t score any macho points for jumping off it.


5. Men’s Racewalking

We’re not talking about the Million Man March here, but about the “sporting” event of competitive walking. Quite honestly, it sounds a lot like competitive wanking to us, the only difference being there’s no biscuit involved.

Racewalking is similar to running, with the exception that one foot must remain on the ground at all times. Also, the supporting leg must also stay straight until the body moves past it. This means the race isn’t won only like a proper race should be, by who finishes first. Instead, it’s a judged race where competitors are disqualified for moving too quickly…

The result resembles what happens after you’ve eaten a spicy Mexican meal and washed it down with a gallon of Mexican water – a waddling, waggling race against time and Montezuma’s Revenge to the bathroom.

That competitors try to rotate their hips to the maximum degree only adds more pansy to the whole, unfortunate diarrhea-hustle. So please, if you want manly, hard-core competitive walking in which the threat of death is ever-present, try a New York sidewalk instead.


6. Men’s Beach Volleyball

Yet another sport that’s awesome when ladies play it or even when played with ladies – but that sucks big green monkey balls when played by gents with gents against gents. Let’s just make our position clear: sport can only be considered properly manly when it’s played by one man or team against another, preferably with the risk of death or severe injury involved.

Any non-contact sport, or sport won on style and swish, is a bit fruity. This fruity factor hits colorful umbrella-drink proportions when the “sport” is the traditional reserve of bikini-clad women.

So really, men’s beach volleyball can go jump in a lake. About the only true grit involved in this sport is the kind that finds its way into competitor’s jocks. It’s all a bunch of floppy-wristed foppery and we wish death unto its children, family and relations.


7. The Tour de France

First off, it’s another event in which competitors shave their legs. Secondly, they wear lycra shorts. Thirdly, they sport little clacky “specialized” elf shoes. Fourth, they wear helmets that look like something out of a Martian pride parade.

And sure it’s a grueling, psychologically and physically torturous event that requires an almost inhuman amount of stamina. But it’s a grueling, psychologically and physically torturous event that requires an almost inhuman amount of stamina in France. ‘Nuf said.

Leave a Comment

  1. someone says:

    Crap. I only agree on the first one.

  2. Kabukibob says:

    I dare anyone to try and climb an Alp in lycra. You'll be crying like a girlie girl by the first switchback. Cycling is the toughest sport on the planet!

  3. Rstybeach says:

    You try taking a spike from Phil Dalhausser and tell me it's still a girly sport. You're probably one of the limp-wristed wanna-be's that jumps on a court with some hot chicks thinking you can hold your own. Play an hour of beach volleyball against two guys who know what they're doing, in 3 inches of scorching sand and tell me again how 'fruity' the sport really is. You may have been a jock in high school? Played football, baseball? When was the last time you picked up any BALL since you were 18? Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but with the animosity you have for the above sports, I must assume you are one of the more LAZIER individuals on your block who really has no right to HATE on any sport. By the way, it's the beach volleyball guys who get to hook up with the tan, crazy in-shape volleyball ladies. Fruity? HA! Take a look in the mirror.

  4. stylemog says:

    Actually I play rugby where the opposing team rides lions and shoots flaming arrows at us.

  5. Mike says:

    Tour de France? That just discredited the rest of the article and makes you sound like some fat ass who is sick with envy for real athletes.

  6. dave says:

    get stuffed i'd like to see you do gymnastics and if you do i hope they make you cry with pain

  7. Another sport that always perplexes me is curling. There is even a national sub-culture of gay curling that is flourishing, but that is not the direct cause of the sport being gay per se, but that curling is one sport that totally defies the general idea of sport, which is sweat, blood, power, speed, tears and pain, none of which exists in curling.


  8. Nobody says:

    Interesting as we are in a year where "natural" finishes is our aim in the world. I do like a natural look myself, go natural!