Gadgets

The Most Bangable Video Game Babes

In a perfect world, women would be more like video games. You’d be able to turn them on in a second by pressing a single, obvious button and you’d be able to pause them whenever you got bored and felt like a soda.

Best of all, they’d have a save feature which you could use every time you screwed up horribly. As anyone who’s ever told his girlfriend, “I wish you were more like a video game” will know, that last one would be really handy.

Oh well, while we’re stuck sleeping on the couch in the basement, we may as well fire up the old console and check out the talent.

Game: Super Mario Bros

Babe: Princess Peach

Nintendo bred an entire generation of frustrated chumps. The Mario games taught men that if they jumped high enough, collected millions of coins and squished enough bugs, they’d win themselves a princess.

It was all a lie though, as our intrepid plumber soon discovered… After singlehandedly storming a castle, slaying a dragon and being rewarded with – Toad? Oh, great. The Princess’s fat little friend. That was certainly worth the effort.

Poor old Mario, no wonder he took to ingesting peculiar mushrooms and bashing his head against bricks.

Those of us who figured the game out got to skip all the thumb-blisters though. If we jumped just so, we could access the secret level and warp right to the end. That was awesome the first few times but… It just wasn’t as much fun getting to the princess that way.

On some level, World 4-3 maybe, we began to crave the challenge of that infuriating, elusive woman. We actually missed the grind of going through all the stages, hour after hour of trial and tribulation, and all for the fading scent of perfume and a half-assed apology!

So here’s to Princess Peach, the ditzy blonde who always ended up with the bad guy after we’d worked our thumbs to the bone for her. She taught us so much about life, love and what it means to be a man. Above all, she taught us the ladies don’t dig dudes with moustaches who smell like sewers.

So in her honour, gentlemen, I suggest we all devote a few seconds thought to her naked, pixellated form the next time we get it on. Or not.

Thank you, Mario! But our Princess is absolutely enormous! Yikes, hope you saved a few of those growth mushrooms for Little Mario.

Game: Tomb Raider

Babe: Lara Croft

The woman who inspired a million lame Womb Raider jokes, Lara Croft was to video games what Marilyn Monroe was to white dresses and air vents.

For many of us, Lara was also our first taste of working with a woman towards an exciting mutual goal. Clumsy at first, we soon learned her subtleties, gaining ever finer control over her body until, together, after a series of breathless acrobatics… We collect some Mayan artefact or something. Yay.

In her favor, Lara’s one of the few women in the world who looks better every year. Starting out like a strategically-painted collection of PVC piping and Tupperware bowls, Lara went on to become… Brazilian?

Hmm, must be all the sun in those tombs. Back to dreary England, she soon lost her tan and good cheer, then went on to do a stint at Madame Tussauds as a waxwork. It was around then her career hit rock bottom and she tried to reinvent herself as a vampy, Blood Rayne-alike, complete with rocklike stripper-tits.

All was not lost however, and in her next three outings, Lara sashayed her way into the uncanny valley. That’s the term for the crawling feeling you get when a simulated human appears almost real – not that it stopped us admiring her uncanny fanny.

In her last game though, Lara really starts to look like a real woman… Well. Posh Spice anyway.

Game: Blood Rayne

Babe: Rayne

Those who’ve played the game will know the half-vampire Rayne is basically Blade without the dick and black. Those who’ve watched the movie by the Master of Disasters, Uwe Boll, will know it doesn’t just half-suck.

But we’ll ignore the movie as far as possible, especially the part about Boll hiring prostitutes instead of actresses to save on production costs. And it’s nomination for six Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Actress for Kristianna Loken in the title role.

Loken looked great in Terminator 3, leaving us wishing she got time-travel nude scenes as extensive as Arnie’s. In Bloodrayne though… Not so much.

Looks like she’s sucked on a few too many turkey necks since then. In fact, this is one of the cases where we’d rather have the virtual model than the real one. After all, the “real” Rayne has curves as dangerous as her teeth and blades, if not her tongue – “blow me, monkey-suit” being one of her more quotable lines.

Those of us who enjoy vampy babes will be used to putting up with that kind of attitude though.

Game: Meatspace aka the Real World

Babes: Booth Babes

Ah yes, those sirens of the software, the booth babes. They’ve been in hot water at recently, with E3 going so far as to ban the scantily-clad sweeties in 2006.

The software industry is trying to change its image (to that of your granny apparently) by levelling a $5000 fine on any models displaying “nudity, partial nudity and bathing suit bottoms.” You know, the things on prominent display in most video games, along with all the violence and death.

Sort of a mixed message they’re sending the kids there but hey, the rest of us can still enjoy the booth babes in their day-job at the strip joint… Which is as close as you can get to virtual women in real life, at least until the Japanese bring out Robo-Babes.

Well, there you have it. Virtual chicks getting more realistic, real chicks getting more virtual… If anyone needs me I’ll be converting the basement to an apocalypse bunker, stashed with 60’s Playboys.

Leave a Comment

  1. I’m assuming those were in no particular order since there weren’t any numerical bullets and because they were kinda out of whack. :-p

    Great post, but I’m not sure it lived up to its true potential. There are so many other game babes that weren’t covered. You completely missed the whole genre of “arcade fighters.” Sure, there aren’t as many guys who like the thought that their woman could kick their ass, but that shouldn’t stop those girls from being included.

    I’ll expect an update/sequel!

    Keep up the great work!

  2. lame.com says:

    way way way to short, and honestly pretty lame and unfunny. Ivy from Soul Caliber, Sonya blade, Nariko (Heavenly Blade) and strangly her crazy? little sister is hot too

  3. JD says:

    Damn, I’m glad somebody named Nariko, ’cause I was about to go off for her not being included. 😉

    No, actually, I saw the question mark and thought that was an end of sentence. The next sentence being “little sister is hot too”. I’m all, “from BioShock? wtf. total pedo.” LOL. Then I realized he’s saying “… Nariko and, strangely, her, perhaps crazy, little sister is hot too.”

    Yeah, Kai is cute. But Nariko… damn.

  4. browser mmorpg says:

    wow… nice list 😀

  5. Jessica says:

    A very nice niche blog, and a good design there sparks Simplicity yet complex algorithm of the internet. Thanks man You rock

  6. I Am Ninja says:

    Nariko FTW. Seriously. Hottest VG Vixen EVER. And you should've added a few others, like Kasumi(DOA), Joanna Dark(Perfect Dark, Perfect Dark Zero)… Funny thing, that. She's way hotter(and younger) in Zero, but the origional was a WAY better game. Anyway, I feel that you left out a few of the better ones, -Zelda!- Sorry, random thought- but, overall I agree with that list, and, opposite of lame-ass "lame.com"'s lame opinion, I thought you described the Babes in a funny, but just way. Lara would be proud. Kudos, dude. Kudos.

  7. Peg Dilipa says:

    This is a really super good game! I am gaming it like 24/7 and never get tired of it! I actually think it is not possible to be bored. This game OWN the shit out of everything!