Lifestyle

The Dirty Dozen: Twelve Things NOT To Do In Las Vegas

Although Las Vegas has the well-earned reputation for being a town where “anything goes”, some of the ideas you may have for your next (or even first) trip to Sin City should never see the light of day. Some are dangerous, some are costly, and some are just plain stupid, but here is a list of things you should NOT do when visiting Lost Wages, Nirvana.

scooter

TRANSPORTATION

Flag a cab on the Strip. Not only is it an exercise in futility to hail a cab on a busy street like Las Vegas Boulevard, it’s also illegal. If you need a cab, go to one of the Strip hotels and get someone from their cabstand to grab a hack for you. Sure, you’ll have to tip the cabstand attendant, but it’s a lot cheaper and less dangerous than waving your arms in the middle of the street like a lunatic.

Jaywalk.In a town that celebrates gambling and all-night parties, you would think that a minor offense like jaywalking would get a pass. However, with horrendous traffic conditions on the Strip at all hours of the day and night, as well as elevated walkways over most major intersections, jaywalking is as dangerous as it is unnecessary. If reason and safety don’t convince you, maybe the $250 ticket the cops write for you will.

Drive. Forget those scenes from movies and TV shows that show guys driving down the Strip with the tops down on their convertibles. Driving conditions and heavy traffic on the Strip will keep you behind the wheel and out of your favorite casino, restaurant or show. With so many transportation options (cab, limo, Deuce bus, hotel shuttle, monorail), why bother with the hassle of driving?

Use a “mobility scooter”. Unless you’re collecting Social Security or have a legitimate disability, don’t tool around in one of these motorized wheelchairs. Nobody cares how far you have to walk or how tired your feet are; you’ll still look like a douche-nozzle riding around on Grandma’s scooter.

blackjack

GAMBLING

Play Slot Machines In The Airport. Casino slots have a much better payout rate than stand-alone machines in other places. If you’re waiting for your flight and not expecting to win, play at the airport to kill time. If you want to hit a nice jackpot, play at the casino and pick out a winner!

Play “6 to 5” Blackjack. Some casinos have recently changed their payouts on a “natural” (two-card) blackjack from “3 to 2” to “6 to 5”. While the higher numbers may look more appealing, these numbers will cost you plenty. In “3 to 2” blackjack, a “natural” pays $15 for every $10 bet. In “6 to 5” blackjack, a “natural” only pays $12 for every $10 bet. Where does the other $3 go? It goes in the casino’s pocket, not yours. If you can find them, stick to “3 to 2” blackjack tables, even if the limits are a bit higher.

Play Keno. Keno defines the traditional casino saying, “when you lose, you lose and when you win, you still lose”. The house edge at keno starts at 25%, the highest of any casino game. Other bets to avoid are the “Tie” bet in baccarat, the insurance bet in blackjack, the “Any 7” in craps and the “five-number” bet in American roulette.

Play Above Your Bankroll. If you know that you have set aside a certain amount of money for gambling, expect to lose it all. One way to keep from taking a huge hit is to spread your gambling money out over the course of your stay. If you have $1000 to play with and five days to play, plan to spend $200 per day. If you lose the whole $200 before dinnertime, stop playing for the day and catch dinner and a show!

cocktail

SEX

Ask The Front Desk For A Hooker. Desk clerks, casino hosts and hotel concierges have very specific jobs. “Pimp” is not in their job description. Remember, prostitution is illegal in Clark County, Nevada. The legal brothels in Nevada are all well out of town and not cheap.

Let Your Cab Driver Recommend A Strip Club.
Cabbie: “Are you sure you want to go to Strip Club A? Strip Club A sucks! The girls are ugly! I’ll take you to Strip Club B! The girls are much hotter and will give you more for your money!” You: “Sounds great!” What doesn’t sound so great is the $30 door charge at Strip Club B’s door. Why $30? It’s $20 for the cover charge and $10 for the kickback to the cabbie.

Expect “Truth In Advertising”. Obviously, just because prostitution is illegal doesn’t mean that many “escorts” don’t advertise for their services offering “time and companionship”. However, in most cases, the “9” or “10” you see on the glossy card is usually a “5” or “6” by the time she shows up at your door. Before you and she can get down to “business”, these girls will put you through more stressful negotiations than you’d see at a Middle East peace conference. Of course, that’s assuming they just don’t cut to the chase and rip you off right then and there.

Hit On A Cocktail Waitress. Sure, the waitresses are all gorgeous, their outfits are skimpy and they keep shoving drinks at you all night. Their warm smiles and friendly greetings are part and parcel of their professional approach; these gestures don’t imply that they like you/are in love with you/want to sleep with you. Enjoy the drinks, the smiles and the “scenery” and forget about anything else.

If you can avoid some of these simple mistakes, you’ll have a fun, memorable and potentially profitable trip to Las Vegas.

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  1. Brett says:

    Vegas is also great for the World Series of Beer Pong, Jan 1-5, 2010. Today is the last day to sign up