For anyone who’s traveled to Las Vegas recently, you may have noticed a lot of changes:
- Big fights now involve a cage instead of a ring.
- Aladdin has flown away on his magic carpet and left behind a Planet Hollywood.
- Thrill rides and sidewalk attractions now almost outnumber slot machines.
- The legendary Stardust, home of the late “Lefty” Rosenthal and the first casino sports book, is no longer the “Stardust” and is now the “pile of dust”.
Were the “good old days” of Vegas really that good? Isn’t the new, streamlined, twenty-first century version of Sin City much better than the old, gritty, dusty frontier town?
Who runs this town?
Old Vegas: Mobsters, thugs and killers.
New Vegas: Real estate developers, venture capitalists and mega-corporations.
Winner: New Vegas, barely. Both groups are evil, soulless entities bent on greed and destruction.
Old Vegas: Lido de Paris, one of the first topless shows in Las Vegas
New Vegas: Paris Hilton, celebutante, party girl and all-around skank
Winner: Old Vegas. The showgirls’ headdresses had more intelligence and class than the “Simple Life” simpleton.
Who got killed?
Old Vegas: Nobody that didn’t deserve it.
New Vegas: Anybody, if you watch CSI:
Winner: Old Vegas. All those bodies somehow mysteriously ended up on the California side of the line.
What if I get caught cheating?
Old Vegas: There’s a hole in the desert with your name on it.
New Vegas: Go directly to jail. Do not pass “Go”. Do not collect your winnings.
Winner: New Vegas, unless you’d rather be vulture chow than Bubba’s bunk-mate.
What do the girls wear to the clubs?
Old Vegas: Long, slinky designer silk gowns that touch the floor.
New Vegas: Short, skanky hoochie dresses that don’t cover their asses.
Winner: New Vegas, especially for the girls that dance on tables and the guys who like to watch them.
Sex? Yes, please!
Old Vegas: Hot and hotter hookers in every hotel bar.
New Vegas: Overpriced strip clubs and fake escort ads.
Winner: Old Vegas. Most New Vegas hookers are more interested in robbing you than pleasing you.
Best Past-Their-Prime Rock Act
Old Vegas: Elvis at the Hilton
New Vegas: Elton John at Caesars Palace
Winner: Old Vegas. Nobody beats the King, baby! However, Caesars does offer a package deal of tickets for Elton John, Bette Midler and Cher known as the “gay-fecta”.
Mind if I smoke?
Old Vegas: If you weren’t a Marlboro man, you weren’t a man at all.
New Vegas: Players are allowed to smoke in designated areas known as “outside”.
Winner: Tie. For smokers, Old Vegas was a heaven made of nicotine clouds. For breathers, New Vegas helps to better see our money disappear.
Best game to find suckers
Old Vegas: Keno, a game for people who think they can win the Lotto.
New Vegas: Texas Hold’em Poker, a game for people who think that they’re the next Chris Moneymaker.
Winner: New Vegas, especially in poker palaces like Bellagio, Venetian and Hard Rock.
Best Movie About:
Old Vegas: Casino. Based on a true story about Frank “Lefty” Rosenthal.
New Vegas: 21. Based on a true story about the MIT blackjack team.
Winner: Old Vegas. No “English Rose” can beat the King, and no bunch of math geeks can beat Bobby D.
With a score of five to four (with one tie), the winner is Old Vegas. For you New Vegas fans don’t worry; I’m sure they’ll implode another old casino and put up a condo/hi-rise/ultra-lounge/resort/spa/pool/amusement park by the time you read this.
If you have any other criteria I may have missed, I welcome your comments below.