Who Needs Health Care? 6 Do-It-Yourself Surgeries Gone Horribly Wrong

1. Man Hems His Own Sack:

The Injury

Unmarried and alone, a machine shop worker had found the perfect cure for his sexual blues. Locking himself in the shop during lunch hours, he would get his rocks off by holding his slim-jim against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery.

One fateful day, as this excited worker was just about to, erm, lubricate the joints, he leaned too close, and put a “jagged zig-zag laceration” on the left side of his scrotum. The force was so great, the man was thrown several feet by his scrotum getting caught between a pulley wheel and a drive shaft. Here is our artists’ rendition of the injury:


The Surgery

According to the doctor who treated him, the man was “unaware his left testis was probably propelled into the rafters of the machine shop where he worked.” Following the adage that, “if I didn’t see my testicle go flying across the room, I’m generally alright,” the worker picked up a staple gun and put himself back together using eight rusty staples. The man finally checked into a hospital several days later. There, a qualified doctor treated the wound properly, and blabbed about it to every medical journal that would listen.

2. Woman Tries To Give Herself a Face-Lift:

The Injury

This nasty self-surgery can be traced back to a scar from an accident. When a Minnesota lady received an injection of surgical silicone to help heal the scar, she was turned on to the whole world of body enhancement through silicone. Basically, her doctor had given her a taste, and she was hooked.


The Surgery

This woman bought a tube of 100% silicone sexual lubricant. Wanting a face job, she injected it into her face and lips. The results were lumpy, to say the least, as can be seen by her appearance on “Good Morning America.”

3. 22-year-old Attempts To Shut Down His Own Adrenal Glands:

The Injury

Like any lonely, sexless medical student, this guy wanted nothing more than to surgically stop his need for sex. However, instead of ordering the world’s smallest guillotine, this man decided to “tie off” his adrenaline glands during an eight-hour self-operation.


The Surgery

After digging through himself for eight hours the man realized that the human body was less like a Mr. Potato Head and more like a BMW engine. He pulled off most of the operation, but had to be rushed to the hospital because, in a development surprising to almost no one, the operation became “too painful.”

4. Woman Drills into Skull To Cure Semi-Real Syndrome; to Be a Movie Star:

The Injury

Amanda Fielding suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome; also, she suffered from needing a lot of attention. After various treatments failed to alleviate her condition, she decided upon trepanation. That’s just a fancy word for drilling holes into one’s head.


The Surgery

The entire thing was filmed, and remains a hard-to-find cult favorite to this day. While drilling, Feilding hit her brain tissue and was sent to the hospital. “Heartbeat in the Brain,” is the title of her film. Rumor has it this also happened to the Scarecrow in an alternate ending for “The Wizard of Oz.”

5. Amateur Dental Surgeon Gets Broken Needles Stuck in Mouth:

The Injury

Every tourist’s nightmare is needing a hospital while in a faraway land with questionable medical facilities. Some people will choose to live with the pain until they are back on familiar soil. One Korean woman decided to handle her dental pain by sticking her teeth with a sharp needle.


The Surgery

Poking around her gums, that’s the surgery. Things got complicated when the sewing needle broke off and got stuck in her teeth. Not content, she jabbed away with a second needle, eventually breaking it off as well. With two broken needles lodged between her teeth and gums, the woman had two choices. One, get a job chewing yarn and spitting out knit sweaters. The woman opted for the second choice, to seek medical treatment.

6. Man in England Attempts To Circumcise Himself with Nail Clippers:

The Injury

To be honest, it’s hard to call “having a foreskin” an injury without bringing up deeply religious sentiments. Apparently, an English gent looked down at his floppy part and said, “I’ve had enough!”


The Surgery

Rather than use a knife, or a scissors, or an iota of common sense, the man went at himself with a nail clipper. The pain and blood was so much that the man had to discontinue his self-surgery (and presumably send all of his guests home from the party). A painful hospital stay ensued.

Leave a Comment

  1. add boyz says:

    OMG, people are nuts!

  2. ram363 says:

    dense or just stupid, same difference

  3. /facepalm says:

    Really now, if this isn't evidence enough that our medical system's greatest effect has been to prevent natural selection from taking it's course, then I don't know what is…

  4. Padrons says:

    Wow. This is one of the most disgusting things I've read today! I was literally wringing my hands while reading the one about the needles in the teeth– eewww. Give me the heebeejeebies -Sylvia

  5. what about hypothyroidism? chronic fatigue the same thing?

  6. This is crazy.. why he do that? some kind of idiots? or just feel bored to death? I cant read it untill finish, so crazy to think..huuuhhh..