Entertainment

The Lamest A-List Vampire Movies Ever Made

Let’s begin this discussion with listing what makes a good vampire film. Cool vampire flicks like Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Interview with the Vampire, Nosferatu, The Lost Boys, and From Dusk Till Dawn, although having varying plots, share certain badass characteristics.

Their vampires aren’t wusses, there is awesome violence, they have amazing powers, there is often times gratuitous nudity (not in Nosferatu, but it’s still scary as hell), and they are seductively evil. Lame vampire films, on the contrary, are exactly opposite. They get the violence wrong, the plot is uninteresting, and their vampires suck. Here’s a look at some of the lamest Vampire movies ever made.

10. Underworld

Underworld wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t that good, either. Vampires hunting werewolves is kind of a kitschy, lame idea… kind of like  Alien vs. Predator. Just because werewolves are awesome, and vampires are awesome, doesn’t mean when you put them together in a mindless action movie with a silly plot that it’s going to be good. Esteemed film critic Roger Ebert said of the film, “This is a movie so paltry in its characters and shallow in its story that the war seems to exist primarily to provide graphic visuals.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35iZsw4c0OU[/youtube]

9. Blade 2, Blade: Trinity

The first Blade film was ok, if not outstanding at least entertaining. The second and third films get it all wrong. First of all, the second and third installments aren’t as deep as the first. If you want mindless entertainment, that’s fine… but it doesn’t make them good movies. Blade: Trinity is especially bad, I mean really, Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds as vampire hunters? If Jessica Biel is in a movie, she better be naked.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_WVQ3BdQTg[/youtube]

8. John Carpenter’s Vampires

Let’s see… a team of religiously sanctioned vampire hunters attempting to prevent the master vampire from getting a hold of an ancient cross, for God knows what reason because the plot is so convoluted. Something about the master vampire being an ex priest, and if he gets the cross he can complete an exorcism that will allow him to walk in the sunlight. Anyway, full of clichéd lines and stupid enough to lack any suspense or frighten the viewer, New York Times’ critic Lawrence Van Gelder aptly commented that the film was, “ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.” Actor James Woods should’ve stuck with robbin’ the cradle.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5-jzgyC5pM[/youtube]

7. Van Helsing

This stinker, staring Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing the vampire hunter, was another pot of simmering crap. First, although some skin is exposed, there’s no sex. If the plot is going to be terrible, a vampire film has got to have at least one R-rated sex scene.

Secondly, the film is just seems like a hodgepodge of Victorian gothic monster themes, which yes, it’s based on the fictional Van Helsing character, but the movie’s treatment is pretty lifeless. Roger Ebert, even though he gave it three stars, referred to it as “trash,” and Anthony Lane from the New Yorker wrote that, “ by the end of this nonsense, you fear for the well being of the genre.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umXH5FfeTYQ[/youtube]

6. Dracula 2000

A tribute to the original Dracula novel, and featuring Gerard Butler as Dracula, this movie was a disappointment. Earning only 15% on Rotten Tomatoes, the general critical reception was that Dracula 2000 was not terrible, but not great… just lame.

In this incarnation, Dracula busts loose in New Orleans, just in time for Mardi Gras. Critic Dwayne Leslie wrote that while the film certainly is gory, full of gratuitous violence, the film lacked any suspense and wasn’t frightening at all. The movie gets one passing grade for having hot vampire bitches, but it’s not enough to keep this stinker for joining our list. At the end we find out Dracula is Judas. Really?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpKypAttty4[/youtube]

5. BloodRayne

Based off the video game, this movie has many of the qualities that embody a lame vampire movie. First of all, the vampires are unaffected by crucifixes (which can be acceptable), but they DON’T THIRST FOR HUMAN BLOOD. What sort of self respecting vampire doesn’t want sweet, red, delicious blood?

A huge box office flop, the film only grossed $3.6 million and had a budget of $25 million. Rotten Tomatoes rates it at 4%, and Laura Bailey, who voiced Rayne in the video games, said,” Oh God, that movie sucked. And that movie was so bad. I saw it on The Movie Channel and I couldn’t even get though the first 20 minutes of it! It was so bad and it was kinda sad.”

In one scene featuring Meat Loaf, the director, Uwe Boll, hired actual prostitutes instead of actors to save on costs! This movie was so bad; it was nominated for 6 Razzy Awards.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_dmvG9QM8U[/youtube]

4. UltraViolet

This movie sucked. Uber-unrealistic and confusing fight scenes, a rip-off of Resident Evil (which sucked too, and also starred Milla Jovovich), and just generally unoriginal, everyone hates this movie. Rotten Tomatoes, gave the film an 8 out of a 100. Literally, everyone hates this movie.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLfUZ6aFyMg[/youtube]

3. Vampire in Brooklyn

Eddie Murphy is a vampire we’re supposed to take seriously? Really????

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX2H3ArHXN8[/youtube]

2. Queen of the Damned

It saddens me that this movie sucked, only because Anne Rice’s Interview With the Vampire ruled in its film incarnation. With a 17% on Rotten Tomatoes, this movie ranks so low because of all the failed promise. These vampires sucked…Vampire rock stars! Roger Ebert, while not hating the film, wasn’t impressed, writing, “The key to a movie like this is to ask yourself, if these characters were not vampires, what would be interesting about them? The answer is, together they couldn’t even rule the people in this bar.”

1. Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

‘Nuff Said.

Leave a Comment

  1. TwilightSUCKS says:

    Did you say "The Lamest A-List Vampire Movies Ever Made", WHAT?! This title is SOOO misleading, like OMG!. There are hundreds of vampire moves. I was hoping this list would help me find this vampire movie make in the late 80's that was much scarier and better than any of these crapy excuses for horror films. YOU SUCK!!!. The only movies here worth while are Blade, and maybe Vampire in Brooklyn and Ultraviolet cause Mia is sexy, but THAT'S IT! YOU SUCK!! OMG!!, I Think I exclaimed that already. TWILIGHT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Not a complete idiot says:

      You have to be a complete moron. Did you not read the title. It said lamest A-list vampire movies ever made. That means this person did NOT like these movies. They're not giving them praise. They're not saying oh what great movies. They are saying how utterly and completely lame they are. That means they thought the movies were bad. You my friend are an idiot. Oh yeah and you're LAME too. YOU'RE LAME!! OMG!! I think I exclaimed THAT already. You totally suck.

  2. MDM says:

    lol…..

  3. WOW!!!! says:

    sorry but this is soo stupid, dude really I know some of these movies were suckish but hey, that's how it is, and like really some movies in that list are good, but that's your freaking opinion and not every movie of vampires has to be scary, I totally agree with you in the eddie murphy thing, that's just stupid, him being a vampire and gerard butler as dracula WTF?!?!?!?! , like really I like just 2 or 3 movies of your list