Old Las Vegas vs. New Las Vegas: Which Would You Rather Visit?

For anyone who’s traveled to Las Vegas recently, you may have noticed a lot of changes:

Were the “good old days” of Vegas really that good? Isn’t the new, streamlined, twenty-first century version of Sin City much better than the old, gritty, dusty frontier town?

Who runs this town?
Old Vegas: Mobsters, thugs and killers.
New Vegas: Real estate developers, venture capitalists and mega-corporations.
Winner: New Vegas, barely. Both groups are evil, soulless entities bent on greed and destruction.

Paris-Vegas Connection
Old Vegas: Lido de Paris, one of the first topless shows in Las Vegas
New Vegas: Paris Hilton, celebutante, party girl and all-around skank
Winner: Old Vegas. The showgirls’ headdresses had more intelligence and class than the “Simple Life” simpleton.

Who got killed?
Old Vegas: Nobody that didn’t deserve it.
New Vegas: Anybody, if you watch CSI:
Winner: Old Vegas. All those bodies somehow mysteriously ended up on the California side of the line.

What if I get caught cheating?
Old Vegas: There’s a hole in the desert with your name on it.
New Vegas: Go directly to jail. Do not pass “Go”. Do not collect your winnings.
Winner: New Vegas, unless you’d rather be vulture chow than Bubba’s bunk-mate.

What do the girls wear to the clubs?
Old Vegas: Long, slinky designer silk gowns that touch the floor.
New Vegas: Short, skanky hoochie dresses that don’t cover their asses.
Winner: New Vegas, especially for the girls that dance on tables and the guys who like to watch them.

Sex? Yes, please!
Old Vegas: Hot and hotter hookers in every hotel bar.
New Vegas: Overpriced strip clubs and fake escort ads.

Winner: Old Vegas. Most New Vegas hookers are more interested in robbing you than pleasing you.

Best Past-Their-Prime Rock Act
Old Vegas: Elvis at the Hilton
New Vegas: Elton John at Caesars Palace
Winner: Old Vegas. Nobody beats the King, baby! However, Caesars does offer a package deal of tickets for Elton John, Bette Midler and Cher known as the “gay-fecta”.

Mind if I smoke?
Old Vegas: If you weren’t a Marlboro man, you weren’t a man at all.
New Vegas: Players are allowed to smoke in designated areas known as “outside”.
Winner: Tie. For smokers, Old Vegas was a heaven made of nicotine clouds. For breathers, New Vegas helps to better see our money disappear.

Best game to find suckers
Old Vegas: Keno, a game for people who think they can win the Lotto.
New Vegas: Texas Hold’em Poker, a game for people who think that they’re the next Chris Moneymaker.
Winner: New Vegas, especially in poker palaces like Bellagio, Venetian and Hard Rock.

Best Movie About:
Old Vegas: Casino. Based on a true story about Frank “Lefty” Rosenthal.
New Vegas: 21. Based on a true story about the MIT blackjack team.
Winner: Old Vegas. No “English Rose” can beat the King, and no bunch of math geeks can beat Bobby D.

With a score of five to four (with one tie), the winner is Old Vegas. For you New Vegas fans don’t worry; I’m sure they’ll implode another old casino and put up a condo/hi-rise/ultra-lounge/resort/spa/pool/amusement park by the time you read this.

If you have any other criteria I may have missed, I welcome your comments below.

Leave a Comment

  1. Lisa Paul says:

    Having done both (well sort of, Old Las Vegas was pretty much over when I first got there, although Caesar’s was the only mega-hotel), I’d have to prefer the New Las Vegas. Had an interesting experience running the Las Vegas Marathon. The route took us from New Glitzy Las Vegas to Old Sleezy, Bail Bonds Las Vegas and I’ve got the pix to prove it. Old Las Vegas was pretty scary and we were glad for the police presence: http://leftcoastcowboys.com/2008/12/07/it-still-counts-if-you-limp-over-the-finish-line/

  2. JimH says:

    21 could have been set in any gambling town, truthfully. It would have sucked eggs anywhere.

    I was going to say The Cooler (William H Macy, Alec Baldwin) might be Old Vegas but it’s kind of a mix of both — and on one level its about the battle between the two. But there’s gotta be a better film about New Vegas than 21.

  3. Monica Bower says:

    Late to the party with this but clearly the go-to cinema is old Oceans 11 and new Oceans 11. Rent them both, watch them in order, and discover that yeah, big business is safe and clean and pretty, but it's WAY less cool than the Mob and the Rat Pack, ringadingding. If you've been to Vegas, Sinatra's Ocean's 11 is like watching an archaeology show on Discovery Channel. Then again Vegas is such a self-consuming monster that even the new Oceans 11 is missing some significant Casinos and attractions. I heart both Vegases, and also contend that it's better to go there for a trade show (where you can party with hundreds of people) than on a mere vacation or weekender (where you talk to the courtesy drink girls just because you feel such soul-killing loneliness at 4AM when you're trying to figure out how much table action you can get for your wristwatch).

  4. Tony says:

    Vegas is doomed cause very soon this place will overruned by kids and outnumbering the grown ups.

  5. Gabrielle says:

    When Vegas was Vegas people were really happy, no children running through the casinos keep them at home. Win your money and take them to a movie of a family outing.

  6. Jenny says:

    I gotta say New Las Vegas