Military Technologies You Won’t Believe

If there’s anything cooler than technology, it’s warfare, and if there’s anything cooler than that, it’s the combination of the two.

Some may flap their hands in outrage at this statement, decrying the obscene cost of military R&D while we’re faced with “more pressing” issues than defense.

I’d urge such types to settle back onto their plushly-upholstered divans, take another puff on their cigarette’s extra-length, ivory holders and consider that nothing educates better than a rubber bullet. And nothing reduces a carbon footprint like a landmine.

Now, having worked the doves into a frothing frenzy, here are some cool, ridiculously expensive technologies to push them over the edge into berserker rage.

The XOS Robotic Exoskeleton


Robotics company Sarcos have developed a particularly intimidating, serious-business suit. Looking like a hollowed-out Terminator droid, the XOS is the pack-humping, long-marching, body-armoring ally of the future infantryman.

Well, assuming we don’t simply splice rhino-DNA into our clone armies, but let’s not give anyone ideas.

Donning this superhero-suit is as easy as fitting a webbing pack and a locking a pair of skis, if not quite as easy as slipping into a coat held up by a butler. From there, the suit mirrors the actions of every limb, endowing them with a brute strength to shame The Gubernator himself.

In one demonstration, the suit performed 500 reps on a pull-down bar weighted at 200 pounds, before intolerable boredom set in for its wearer and he presumably set to punching down walls instead.

With all that power, you’d expect movement to be clumsy and limited. Wrong. Even though it weighs 150 pounds, the XOS is agile enough to conceivably wear to your next Grand Ball.

They’re even talking of a model soldiers can disengage from, which will then continue with soldierly duties all by itself… Ah, DARPA contracts, hastening the inevitable robot apocalypse in style.

Non-military adaptations of the XOS, for firemen and cripples, are scheduled to appear in due course and we’re hoping the future everyman gets one too. The issue of parallel parking by females could finally be laid to rest, gingerly and neatly from an overhead deadlift.

Small Unit Space Transport and Insertion, Sustain

Small unit insertion may sound familiar to you but don’t be fooled – Sustain is an aerospace project being developed for the U.S. Marine Corps. Its aim is to transport a squad of over a dozen marines anywhere on the globe. Within two hours, max.

It’ll be a two-stage process. A carrier craft, perhaps a B-52 or similar, will power the lander to the upper atmosphere. The landing craft, probably Boeing’s X-51A currently in testing, will break away, fire up its scramjet engines and cruise at Mach 7 to its destination.

That it’ll do so just over the 50 mile limit to national airspace is perhaps something that’s occurred to the brass. They’re canny that way.

Now, while the thought of doing a flight that currently takes ¾ of a day, Los Angeles to Singapore say, in just two hours is cool if you’re a marine, what we’re really waiting for is the passenger version.

Or, for Singapore to declare war. And though it’s still a ways off for the average (GI) Joe, this new technology may soon eclipse the $50 M Gulfstream private jet as the transportation method of choice for the global super-class.

We hope they remember to pack their jetlag pills and industrial-strength barf-bags.

The 600 Ton Robot Lorry

Industrial machinery manufacturer Caterpillar and Carnegie Mellon University scientists have teamed up to create the ultimate redneck fantasy.

This 600 ton robot lorry can drive right over conventional monster trucks, which are more like Tonka trucks in comparison. It can crush cars, tanks and even houses beneath its merciless treads.

It can transport loads of up to 380 tons, making it handy for pyramid construction. And best, or perhaps most disturbingly of all, Caterpillar’s new beast can operate without a driver. Yeah, you read right.

Following a successful series of DARPA trials to develop a self-driven car, it was only a matter of time before a self-driven, mechanical Godzilla reared its head.

From there, it’s a short but inevitable step to someone covering it in guns and missiles. From there, a short quick step to all of us learning to speak Binary.

Weapons Against Robots


If the proliferation of vehicular kill-bots and humanoid death-droids sets off your “Danger, Will Robinson” alarm, you’ll be pleased to learn of WAR Defence.

This start-up was founded by dot com millionaire, Ben Way, who’s well aware of the increasing militarization of robotics technology. His company exists to find ways of defending against enemy robots, or any of ours made sullen and uncooperative by robot puberty.

WAR, “the world’s first defense company solely dedicated to weaponry against robotic entities,” is working on several means to this end. Most interesting is circuitry-frying, non-lethal (to humans anyway) technology like Electric Storm-AX1.

This high energy microwave device, along with similar directed EMP devices, offers humanity’s best hope of neutralizing hostile machinery to survive the inevitable robot apocalypse. Not to mention dealing with your neighbor’s blaring car alarm and rap music.

It’s all still in the early stages, of course, but that’s not going to stop us from buying shares in WAR Defense and posting several thousand “up yours, sentient artificial intelligence,” messages to the internet.

While it may be a few years before we see rocket-pack police jumping from spaceships, fighting off giant bulldozer robots with energy guns, that future scenario is closer to becoming a reality then ever before. Let’s just hope that before we all kick the bucket from some nuclear-robot holocaust that we also develop the time machine portal to send someone back to stop it all from ever happening in the first place.

Leave a Comment

  1. Whats Up says:

    ZZzzz Exoskeleton is a neat idea BUT money decide future. If it costs 10grands sure why not
    but it will cost like a Homvee 100K++ and military will have a dosen of othem for just to try sh@ out.

    Small Unit Space Transport is a joke. because of the cost of this stupid idea. Future american rockets look very much like old russian rockets with russian Emergency excape system, which they use for past 30 years. Go ask NASA

    EMP bombs (40 years old) and EMP “canons” (about 10 years) are very freaking close to EM counter mesures and they started making’em at end of WW2

    What the HELL is so new about this article? Kids write it and kids read it. all this sh@ is OLD it not the future its meraly a toy without benefits.

    Whats up

  2. MDK says:

    Being a Soldier, you do what you are told regardless of personal feelings correct? Or has it changed since I was in? Follow only the orders you want to? Or did some of you join just for the college money rather than serving your nation? I knew full well what i was getting into, that I could die or get crippled or get mentally scarred (just the thought of being in the Abrams and it getting hit by KE round and what it can do to ya scared the shit out of me). Or do people just sign that line with the hopes of getting college money? I am glad that some of you have served but if self importance is the only reason than I would hate to see where this county is going to be in the next decade. My hats off to you anyway.

    Those who use that chicken hawk remark make me laugh. Safe behind your computer gives you balls
    where you normally don’t have any in the real world.

  3. Warren says:

    “Those who use that chicken hawk remark make me laugh. Safe behind your computer gives you balls
    where you normally don’t have any in the real world.”

    He says from behind his computer. LMAO!

  4. nils says:

    Unfortunately, with the current way the US military is being run, most of the recruits left are lower class kids who get to choose between the military and working for minimum wage for the rest of their lives. I have three close friends who have served, and each one simply enlisted because (s)he had no other choice. One in particular had attended NYU for two years when her scholarship money ran out. How else was she supposed to finish her college education?

    Frankly, the military WANTS kids to be entering for college money. Have you seen the commercials lately? It’s all about personal advancement, becoming a success later in life, and getting cool toys to play with – they hardly ever mention doing something for your country. While I would certainly be a conscientious objector and/or dodger, I still think it is incredibly irresponsible for a country to go to war without a draft enlistment, because with the current volunteer-only force we have a military populated mostly by either war-mongering hicks or the lower class.

    Granted these are problems not as much with the military itself but with the politicians who get to make all the decisions without getting their hands dirty themselves. If you would hate to see where this country is going to be in the next ten years, taking a look and seeing where it has gone in the past ten years may explain a whole lot.

  5. CobraB says:

    Well of course he says it from behind his computer, this is an ONLINE message board. I served for 5 years. I did it because I believe in what this country stands for (or should stand for), I did it to travel and see the world, and hell yeah, I got money for college out of it, and now I can become further educated and hopefully use that education to make this world a better place. Yes, sometimes war is necessary, there have been many great technological advances in its name, many terrible people have been taken out of power and many atrocities been prevented. There are those who use war as a device to further their own interests rather than the common good of the people, but that’s human nature. Hopefully someday we as a species can ascend beyond that, then we can use our resources for constructive rather than destructive purposes. The giant mining dump truck could totally be used as a military machine, given that the environment in which it was being used could accommodate its size. Smoke weed!

  6. D. Harris says:

    See i like that kind of stuff. I would want the ectoskeletal thingy to beat up bullies and make public transportation wait for the people running for the bus.

  7. Ram says:

    War is cool until you’re trying to keep your buddy’s guts from spilling out of that hole in his stomach and he’s screaming for his mother and you know he doesn’t have a chance but you have to keep telling him it’s going to be ok.