Offbeat

Oops! Botched Robberies by Complete Morons

Though there certainly doesn’t seem to be a shortage of crimes, there are also doesn’t seem to be a shortage of idiots that are willing to attempt to commit crimes.

When you look at the cases mentioned here, combined with many more stories of stupid criminals, it makes you wonder about the average human’s intelligence.

However, another way to look at it is that these people were too dumb to attain a real job so they were forced to result to a life of crime. Whatever your views on this may be, we can’t deny that these people who were intended to be taken seriously ended up doing nothing but giving us all a good laugh.

kentucky

Dummy (Dummies) #1: Kentucky – A Tale of Two Rednecks

In this case, two minds were not better than one. Two “geniuses” decided that they were going to steal cash from an ATM machine by attaching a chain to the machine and attaching the other end of the chain to the bumper of their truck.

Of course, the logic was that they would be able to pull the cover off of the ATM. It turned out not to be the best move in the world. Instead of the cover coming off, the bumper to their truck came off. That’s not even the worst part. At this point, the thieves got spooked and fled the scene in their truck leaving the evidence out in the open. Most of you have already figured out the biggest mistake yet, haven’t you? The license plate of the truck was on the bumper left at the scene!

revolvingdoor

Dummy (Dummies) #2: Royal Bank of Scotland – The Three Unwisemen

In August 1975, three thieves attempted to enter the Royal Bank of Scotland. That’s right, I said attempted to enter the bank. The first obstacle they encountered was that they got stuck in the revolving door. They had to be freed by employees at the bank and in humiliation, fled the bank. But these guys didn’t give up. One can certainly say that they may not have intelligence, but they sure had determination.

A few minutes later, they entered the bank (successfully this time) and demanded money from the tellers. In a rage from the laughter of the tellers, one of the “would be” bank robbers jumped over the tellers’ counter. The poor fool landed wrong and injured his ankle. Alarmed by this incident, the other two thieves attempted to flea the scene. That’s right, I said attempted to flea. Would you believe these guys got stuck in the revolving door again? It’s true. They did! These criminals weren’t laughing all the way to the bank but were laughed all the way out of the bank.

gunlighter

Dummy #3: Inwood, West Virginia – Captain Underpants?

The stupidity of this criminal will never cease to amaze me. First of all, Steven Stephenson, at age 34, enters a convenience store wearing a blue pair of women’s underwear over his face. This is mistake number 1. If you want to be taken seriously, never put underwear on your head; not to mention women’s underwear.

Secondly, Stephenson pulled a lighter on the clerk inside. That’s right, a lighter. Sure, it was in the shape of a gun, but it wasn’t a gun. It’s highly unlikely that he could burn the clerk with the lighter since all the clerk would have to do is blow the lighter out! Foiled again! After the clerk refused to give him money, the robber fled the scene. He was later found by police and arrested for attempted robbery.

fingergun

Dummy #4: Greenville, South Carolina – The Loaded Finger

Clyde Hampton needs to find another line of work besides crime because he sucks at it. Hampton walked into a liquor store and formed his hand into the shape of a gun and pointed it at the clerk. He pointed his naked hand at the clerk and demanded money.

Not feeling very threatened, the clerk walked outside and flagged down a vehicle for help. When the police arrived at the scene, Hampton was still hanging around outside the building. If he had his hands in his pockets, could the police arrest him for carrying a concealed weapon? At any rate, the clerked “fingered” Hampton as the attempted robber.

chivas

Dummy #5: Colorado Springs, Colorado – Not Underage, But Under-intelligent

One night at a corner store, a man entered with a shot gun and demanded money from the clerk. The clerk put money into the bag for the criminal. The robber then noticed a bottle of scotch behind the counter and demanded that the clerk put the scotch in the bag. The clerk refused to do so saying that he didn’t believe that the perpetrator was over the age of 21.

After insisting that he was, the clerk stated that he didn’t believe it. The frustrated criminal showed the cashier his driver’s license indeed proving that he was over 21. The clerk then agreed to give him the alcohol. When the thief left, the clerk called the police and gave them the thief’s name and address that he obtained from the driver’s license. One may determine from this information that the criminal’s age and IQ score are a perfect match.

k

Dummy #6: Louisiana – The Criminal That Gives His Money Away

A man enters a Circle K in Louisiana, shows the cashier a $20 bill and asks the cashier for change for the $20. Upon the cashier opening the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun on the Circle K employee and demanded money. The cashier complied, but when the crook left, he forgot his $20 bill. He left it on the counter. When he fled the scene, he was carrying $15. His net total from the robbery: negative $5. Who says crime always pays? Sometimes it’s the criminal that pays.

keysincar

Dummy #7: Virginia Beach – The Thief that Was Robbed

Charles Robertson isn’t the brightest person in the world, but at least he knows he can depend on the police. Robertson entered a bank in Virginia Beach, robbed it and walked out of the bank. Upon entering his vehicle, he remembered that he left his demand note in the bank.

He went back in the bank to retrieve the note, but he made another crucial mistake. He left his keys in his car. Doesn’t he know that you can’t trust people these days? By the time he got back outside, his vehicle had been stolen. He promptly called police and was of course arrested.

typewriter

Dummy #8: Brooklyn, New York – The Robber Who Needs a Typewriter

A word to the wise, if you are ever going to demand something from someone, make sure your message is clear. In this case, this man didn’t think that far ahead. He entered an HSBC bank in Brooklyn and handed a teller a note demanding money.

When the teller took too long, he was frustrated and didn’t’ understand what the problem was. The teller spent all that time trying to figure out what the note said. The criminal’s handwriting was so bad that the teller couldn’t read the note.

moneybags

Dummy #9: San Francisco – The Criminal Who Didn’t Follow Proper Procedure

A man walked into a Bank of America in San Francisco and intended to rob the bank. He took an empty deposit slip from the bank and wrote on the back of it, “This iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag.” While waiting in line, the criminal got nervous and wondered if anyone saw him write the note. He then chose to go across the street to the Wells Fargo bank.

As he handed the teller the note, she quickly picked up on the fact that he may not be too intelligent since he couldn’t spell. So, the teller told the thief that she couldn’t accept a hold up note with on a Bank of America deposit slip. If he wanted to rob Wells Fargo, he would have to write a separate note on a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America with that note.

The crook bought the story and went back into the Bank of America. Meanwhile, the clever Wells Fargo teller called the police. The thief should have listened to his grandfather when he was told not to trust banks.

subpeona

Dummies #s 10, 11, and 12 – Handing Over Evidence to the Victims

Here are three cases that are grouped together because they all have to do with idiots that didn’t pay attention to details. If you’re going to commit a crime, I would think that paying attention to details would be essential. These three stupid criminals didn’t pay attention to what they what they were using to write their “stick up” notes on.

A guy in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania used the back of a subpoena with his name on it to write a hold up note for a bank robbery. Another fellow in Detroit Michigan used the back of an envelope with his name and address on it. These two rocket scientists are not to be outdone by the genius in East Hartford, Connecticut used the back of a signed bank deposit slip with his name and account number on it. I believe in recycling and reusing items whenever possible, but there are some instances where it’s not practical.

Leave a Comment

  1. ayeroxor says:

    When writing an article about stupid people, be sure you know how to spell ‘flee’.

  2. badugi says:

    lol #1 is brilliant 🙂

  3. Bruce Wayne says:

    "they were forced to result to a life of crime"

    English is not your native tongue?

  4. Jeff says:

    I don't believe half of these. Links to the actual news articles, and not just another listings page, please.

  5. Flash Gordon says:

    Jeff – The links to the actual articles are there in the headlines for each.

  6. IcallBullsht says:

    Most of these are made up crap, they just took out the blonde part and added in robber. Come on a Circle K with only 15 dollars in the register, what a bunch of bull and no, the links are to more made up page listings, there is no link to real news articles from trusted sources.

  7. chicka says:

    Flea a scene? No wonder they couldn't get away! Perhaps they should have tried to FLEE the scene. *shakes head* How can you rag on other peoples stupidity? Fail.

  8. Thomas says:

    I worked Jury Duty in Columbus Ohio for Franklin County. i was on the Grand jury so we heard several cases a day we had to vote to indict. Well, one case was a woman who stole a credit card, then proceeded to use that card to pay her car insurance, car payment, and utility bills.

    Very smart, if you're going to steal a credit card, don't pay your bills with it!

  9. @starchild1981 says:

    I was going to point out the “flea” faux pas as well. All I can say is THANK GOD someone else beat me to it!

  10. Bill says:

    You may be in hot water for using the license plate you used above. I don’t think that the ham radio operator whose call is plainly displayed is the person who committed this robbery attempt. The ham operator is, however, still alive and an active ham. He has been notified about his call being used in the article.

    From an: Official Observer of the
    Auxiliary to the Federal Communication Commission

  11. anon says:

    These three stupid criminals didn’t pay attention to what they what they were using to write their “stick up” notes on.

    what they what they?

    funny article tho

  12. HANS GRUBER says:

    Wow, commentors, suck dick much?

    This is why I never read this segment of articles — it's just a big chance for everybody to show off how MONOLITHIC ZOMG their e-peens are.

  13. HANS GRUBER says:

    Additional protip: the Kentucky plate is number four on a google search for "Kentucky radio plates."

    Bravo, Bill. You om nom nom the most dong of all.

    'Tard.