Entertainment

Your Guide to Summer Music Festivals (and the Girls You’ll Meet There)

There’s a lot of things we all have to cram into every summer, and almost all of them involve drinking heavily and hooking up with as many chicks as possible, weather permitting.

There is only one that combines that mission with obnoxiously loud live music and lost inhibitions: music festivals! Let’s take a look at some of summer’s biggest fests and tours, and what you’ll expect to find there in the babe department.

Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival

June 11th-14th

Manchester, TN

bonnaroo

Featured Acts: Bruce Springsteen, NIN, Phish, Beastie Boys, Al Green, Snoop Dogg, MGMT

The mother of all music festivals opens it’s doors in just a few weeks as fans of the modern-day Woodstock eagerly await the event. Thousands will pack their vans with food, booze, and plenty of hallucinogens as they venture out for four straight days summer music fun.

This year’s lineup is sure to please many from all genres of music, whether it’s your best friend’s hot mom trying to catch a glimpse of the Boss, or the legions of hippie chicks wetting their panties over the recent comeback of Phish. The pickin’s will by no means by slim here boys, and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to not only eat a bunch of mushrooms and flail your arms around widely, but do it with as many gals as you can handle (who, me may remind you, you’ll never encounter again).

CMA Music Fest

June 11th-14th

Nashville, Tn

Featured Acts: Trace Adkins, Rascal Flatts, Reba McEntire, Martina McBride, Taylor Swift

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Put on your spurs and chaps and cowboy hats, ’cause this pickup truck is┬áheading to Nashville. Billed as the “ultimate country music fan experience, the CMA Music Fest boats a killer lineup of the hottest country acts around. The 4 day event is sure to be full of boozed-up country broads looking to take a ride on any mechanical bulls they happen to find (and c’mon, there’s bound to be a few).

In addition to the many country artists taking stage, there’s plenty of other events to check out, including family events in case you’re tied down (but still want to show the wife and kids that you’re a badass daddy), and the Chevy Sports Zone (go figure, right?), where you can meet pro anglers and attend hunting safety seminars. Just leave the shotgun at home.

Warped Tour

Various Dates & Locations

Featured Acts: Bad Religion, Black Tide, NOFX, Less Than Jake, Thrice

warped

Punk and emo dudes, rejoice! While not technically a “festival”, your summer-time tour-of-tours is here. With old school, straight up punk acts and girly emo acts congregating to the same stages, it’ll no doubt be a “knockout” time when these kids collide. All the better to practice your moshing and skanking abilities, as tons of lip-pierced punk rock hotties are bound to come out in droves.

Perhaps one of the most accessible festivals/tours you can catch this summer, there’s really nothing but a good time to be had checking out shorter set-lists that most of these guys tend to bring out; seriously, how many songs can a up-and-coming punk outfit possible have, all under 3-minutes each? No worries; check out the skate culture attractions and find yourself a tatted-up (and preferably drunk) Suicide Girl of your own in the meantime.

Lollapalooza

August 7th-9th

Chicago, IL

Featured Acts: Jane’s Addiction, Beastie Boys, The Killers, Depeche Mode, Kings of Leon, Snoop Dogg

lollapalooza

Perry Ferrel’s mutant love child of a music festival kicks it off again this year in Chi-town with some of the legends of modern day rock. Boasting a line-up of 90’s heyday acts, this Lollapalooza is sure to bring out the older, ahem, cougars who need a big rock music fest to let the steam out.

Expect to find the 9-5 desk jobbers out in full force, guzzling $12 dollar beers like their going out of style. As per most of these festivals, they’ll be plenty if “let’s save the environment” attractions as well as fun for the kiddies, should you be a horrible parent and bring your kids out. Do yourself a favor and keep the radar out for those slightly aged hotties who decided to party-it-up with their girlfriends (sans boyfriends and husbands); it’s the only time they might let loose from their boring, “professional” lifestyle.

V Fest

August 22nd – 23rd

Chelmsford & Staffordshire, England

Featured Acts: The Killers, Oasis, Snow Patrol, Fatboy Slim, MGMT, Jet

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This years V Fest takes the popular Virgin Mega-Festival across the Atlantic for a 2-day European rock fest sure to please those who love the indie & modern British rock scene (and doesn’t mind the crooked teeth). Major acts like Oasis and MGMT are sure to bring out hipsters and casual rockers alike, and hopefully bring some busty British beauties as well.

Set in 2 different historical locations in England, a summer time trip abroad may be just what you need to catch some of contemporary rock’s finest musical ensembles (and hopefully an ensemble of European tail at the same time. As with any festival, you’re bound to run into some trouble, especially if you plan on dropping a tab once your favorite band takes the stage. The V Fest, however, is known for being a little tamer then most British fests, so you can feel a little safer should you want to snag a babe for a little shag in your tent.

Outside Lands Music & Arts Festival

August 28th-30th

San Francisco

Featured Acts: Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Beastie Boys, Incubus, Black Eyed Peas

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What a line-up! Seriously, boasting a whos-who of concert favorites, the Outside Lands Music & Arts Festival not only looks to be a great time to party it up, but to do so seeing some great acts all in one location. Having the opportunity to catch bands like Pearl Jam AND Dave Matthews the same week is worth the trip in itself.

That being said, expect a good mix of “hippie-hipster” and “easy-college” chicks roaming these grounds, especially at Dave, where any guy who knows the words to ‘Say Goodbye” can hook ‘up with a chick he just met, even if she was sober. After you do so, don’t forget to take her over to the ‘Eco Lands” attraction to learn about the environmental initiatives (you are in San Francisco) and check out the Winehaven, where local wine is available on tap (DMB + Wine Bar = you getting some).

Monolith Music Festival

September 12th-13th

Denver, Co

Featured Acts: Girl Talk, Method Man & Red Man, The Dandy Warhols, More TBA

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Close out the end of the summer with what looks like to be the most hipster-festival of the year. Judging by it’s line-up, the Monolith Music Festival at the ledgendary Red Rocks Ampitheatre will be full of the COOLEST people in the world (or at least they’ll think so).

This fest will probably open your eyes and ears to a plethora of acts you’ve never heard of spanning and mixing genres of hip hop, indie rock, and electronica. A great place to drink up with some cute artsy girls who like to wear glasses and talk about how hipster they are (and there’s nothing wrong with that is there?). Details on the show are still sketchy (theie website is being redone – really guys?) but has been picked in the past by Rolling Stone as one of the 10 Great Festivals to Cure the Summertime Blues.

There’s bound to be many other smaller fests all over the place, and I’m sure they bring out some foxy ladies to add to the concert fun. Any summer tours or festivals that you’re looking forward to?

Leave a Comment

  1. Jimmy Rogers says:

    Wow, talk about a lot of typos in that article…didn't even run SPELLCHECK!

  2. Much love for this blog. Can’t help but think about my man Mickey Factz who has got his raps is a crowd pleaser!