Sports

Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

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NFL football is a well-loved American past time loved by many people: men, women, children, the young, and the old. It’s always exciting to see a team that’s doing exceptionally well, but what about teams that don’t do well?

How do they keep their spirits up? Are they able to still entertain their fans? Washington Redskins’ running back Clinton Portis knows better than anyone how to entertain when the team isn’t performing well.

Though Portis is one of the top rushing leaders in the NFL, he’s never been on a consistent winning football team. In his first two years in the NFL, 2002 and 2003, Portis played for the Denver Broncos. In 2003, the Broncos made it to the playoffs with a wild card spot, but lost their first game.

In 2004, he was traded to the Washington Redskins, where they finished with a record of 6-10. In 2005, the Redskins finished 10-6 and earned a wild card spot in the playoffs, won their game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and lost the Divisional Championship game against the Seattle Seahawks. During the majority of the following season, Portis was injured and Washington finished with a record of 5-11. In 2007, they finished at 9-7 and earned a playoff spot, but lost the first game.

For an awesome player such as Clinton Portis, you would think he would get discouraged. Well, that may be true, but his way of dealing with it is a through comic relief. Though it’s untraditional, he’s gotten national attention and has kept the media in suspense wondering what will be next. In 2005, we could count on Portis week after week to entertain us with a different character. Though he has slowed down, we still get an occasional new character from our master of disguise.

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Mad Scientist

On October 20, 2005, we saw the first of many Clinton Portis characters. This character, Mad Scientist, wore sci-fi sun glasses and had long, wild white hair. He said that his job was to dissect ideas from the Redskins’ playbook and figure out how the Redskins could get into the end zone. He explained about his wild hair. He said that one morning he woke up and stuck his finger into an electric socket and his hair just ended up that way.

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Southeast Jerome

On October 27, 2005, we met Jerome from Southeast D.C. He said he was on his way to New York with the nights lights and the dancing, so he was dressed and prepared for it. That Sunday, the Redskins played the New York Giants and lost 36-0. Southeast Jerome was never to be seen again…

dr i dont know Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Dr. I Don’t Know

The Thursday after the big loss to the Giants, November 3, 2005, we met Dr. I Don’t Know. He claims that he doesn’t know what went wrong for the Redskins. He explained his ridiculous get up to the media. Dr. I Don’t Know proclaimed that the pink glasses were from surgery. He explains that they use to be white, but when they got mixed with some blood, they came out pink. The hair was because he spent too much time in radiology and lost his hair. He claims that it just grew back this way.

sheriff gonna getcha Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Sheriff Gonna Getcha

Sporting a black mullet, leather balls (he says because he’s tough), a sheriff’s badge, and goofy “eye” glasses, Sheriff Gonna Getcha made his debut on November 10, 2005. He said that he was to go to Tampa Bay to investigate and question Ronde Barber and some of the other Tampa Bay Buccaneers on the disappearance of Southeast Jerome.

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Dolla Bill

Dolla Bill debuted just before the Redskins’ game with the Oakland Raiders, so Dolla Bill tells the media about Warren Sapp. Sapp was an old teammate of Clinton Portis at the University of Miami and a mean force on the defensive line in Oakland. Sapp is a “money-making” friend of Dolla Bill’s, but for the upcoming game, Dolla exclaims that he will not be a friend with Warren Sapp. His favorite saying is “100 pennies, 4 quarters, 10 dimes, 20 nickels. That’s Dolla Bill”.

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Reverend Gonna Change

As of December 1, 2005, the debut of Reverend Gonna Change, the Washington Redskins had a running season record of 5-6. Reverend Gonna Change said that he was sent to Washington to change their misfortune. He said, “Things are gonna change around here”, and they did! After Reverend Gonna Change’s appearance, the Redskins won five games in a row and earned a wild card playoff spot. That just goes to show you what you can accomplish with faith. Reverend Gonna Change should be proud!

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Kid Bro Sweets

Though the Redskins did secure a spot in the playoffs, at the time that Kid Bro Sweets appeared, no one would have guessed it with the Washington’s record of 6-6 on December 8, 2005. Kid Bro Sweets was brought to the Redskins to spread cheer among the players and fans. His specialty is handing out candy. Who doesn’t love candy? Kid Bro Sweets, with rotten teeth claims to be able to get you any kind of candy that you want. Of course, his favorite candy is PayDay.

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Inspector Two-Two

Still on the lookout for our beloved missing person Southeast Jerome, Inspector Two-Two was sent to question Tiki Barber and some other New York Giants on Southeast Jerome’s disappearance. It looks as if Sheriff Gonna Getcha was unable to crack the case alone.

angel of southeast jerome Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Angel of Southeast Jerome

Finally, on December 29, 2005 the mystery of missing person Southeast Jerome is put to rest. As a matter of fact, so was Southeast Jerome. In his one time appearance as an angel, he explains that he simply died and went to Heaven and is now with his friends. Six other football players dressed in costume for the press conference to pose as Southeast Jerome’s friends. His friends are Biggie Short (Nehemiah Broughton), Johnny White Guy (Chris Cooley), Luscious (Rock Cartwright), Pied Piper Piccolo (Ryan Clark), Pretty Teeth (Robert Royal), and Sweet Feet Jenkins (Ladell Betts).

coach janky spanky Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Coach Janky Spanky

On January 5, 2006 Coach Janky Spanky made an appearance to the press wearing tight pants, a fake gut, a whistle, huge ears, and a headset. At this point, the Redskins had earned their spot in the playoffs. Coach Janky Spanky claimed to have taken the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl. When asked what it would take to on defense to stop Clinton Portis, he exclaimed that it would take two additional strong safeties and that the opposing team would need 13 men on the field. When it was brought to Coach Janky Spanky’s attention that his ears were a different color that the rest of him, he explained that it was because he was nervous.

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Dolemite Jenkins

Dolemite Jenkins appeared some time in 2006 and appears to love to dance with other men as he even asked a reporter if he would dance. He wears funny, out of style glasses, a red curly wig, and a T-shirt that says “Vote for Santana” (to recognize Portis’ teammate Santana Moss). Portis explains later that this character was inspired from the independent movie “Napoleon Dynamite”, which was about a socially inept high school student.

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Choo-Choo

Choo-Choo was the lone new character that we saw during the 2007 season as she appeared in early November. Choo-Choo is a dance instructor that taught the Redskins all of their moves when they celebrate in the end zone, with the exception of Clinton Portis, Choo-Choo explains. Choo-Choo says that she has never met Clinton Portis, but hears that he is “smooth”. Choo-Choo still would like to teach him some moves.

Portis’ Characters in June 2008:

In 2008, Clinton Portis went on the NFL network and dressed up in four costumes that they’d prepared for him. He was delighted to wear them and make up new characters for them. Here they are.

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Bud Foxx

Bud Foxx is an ultimate fighter. He’s never won a fight and is 0-17, but proclaims that he will continue to fight until he wins and he just knows the next fight will be the one. He’s in the 115-weight class, even though he weighs 220 pounds and his special move in ultimate fighting is cracking fingers.

dr do itch big Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Dr. Do Itch Big

Dr. Do Itch Big is a professional dentist. When asked why his own teeth are messed up, he answers that he worked on them himself in the mirror. He says that’s how he wanted his teeth to look so he could be different. He said that he’s worked on former New York Giants’ defensive end Michael Strahan to put the gap in his front teeth and has also worked on Buffalo Bills’ running back Marshawn Lynch to put the “grill” on his teeth.

 Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Electra

Electra is an environmentalist who wears a green hat, green glasses, and lives in a green solar-powered house. He says that we should only use materials that are natural to the Earth. He smokes a pipe, the he says it’s okay because it’s from natural materials from the Earth.

prime minister yah mon Clinton Portis in Disguise: Who is that Masked Man?

Prime Minister Yah Mon

Prime Minister Yah Mon ran for President of the United States as an independent in the 2008 Presidential Election. He says that neither McCain nor Obama are what this country needs. They need Prime Minister Yah Mon. He says that he was born somewhere between the United States and Jamaica.

It’s a shame that we can’t be greeted almost every week by someone new like we were in 2005. However, it’s nice that we still get a treat once in a while. It seems that the Washington Redskins are showing promise out on the football field, but we sure hope that doesn’t mean the disappearance of Clinton Portis’ multiple personalities. We’d loved to be entertained on and off the field.

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