Offbeat

Surgeons Remove Hot Sauce Bottle From Prisoner

We’ve all heard of makeshift sex toys, but a hot sauce bottle? One can only guess that when life gives you hot sauce, there are only a few options available.

In Ohio at the Noble Correctional institute in Caldwell, an inmate in a state prison was hospitalized and required emergency surgery to remove a hot sauce bottle that was being used as a sexual device. His name is not being released because of privacy issues (and possible hot-sauce manufacturer repercussions).

Medical bills are expected to run into the thousands and take a guess who will be footing the bill. The taxpayers of Ohio, of course. The state is required by law to provide adequate medical care to prisoners even those who inflict injury upon themselves.

Initially, the State Highway Patrol reported this incident as a prison rape case. The inmate was rushed to the hospital after claiming that he had been sexually assaulted in the shower by another prisoner. He later admitted that he had inserted the hot sauce bottle anally and done this to himself without any help at all from anyone.

In the words of prison spokeswoman, Julie Walburn: “At this point, we don’t believe there was a perpetrator involved in the incident. The state won’t know the total cost until all medical bills are submitted.”

The inmate sustained serious injury and was treated in the intensive care unit.

Perhaps now he will leave hot sauce bottles alone and find some other way to…whatever.

Leave a Comment

  1. whatever says:

    Pretty snarky & self-righteous. Hope you're never in a bad spot with reporters around.

    Given the degree of DAMAGE, chances are pretty good someone did this to him. When he realized the repercussions of ratting, he changed his story.

    And what ever happened to "paying one's debt to society"? He's doing that, odds are on some ridiculous, harmless drug charge.

    Brainless people like you seem to think there's no value to a criminal justice system–we should just execute everyone who we dislike, I guess.

  2. Great post. The other week I was writing a german essay including the word “schlagzeilen” which is german for headlines, kept laughing at that.