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A Six-Pack of the Dumbest Beer Bottle (and Can) Gimmicks

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For the first time in 40 years, you’ll see a new Miller Lite bottle. Yay?

Replacing the signature longneck design will be a contoured bottle that features broad shoulders and a contoured grip. In a press release from earlier this month, this is what Ryan Reis, senior director of Miller Lite, said of the updated bottles:

“In our testing, consumers overwhelmingly preferred the new bottle to the standard beer bottle. We’re proud of the new design and we’re excited to see how everyone reacts to our new look. This time when you grab a Miller Lite, you’ll know it.”

You can expect to catch the new design in bars and restaurants this summer. And, beginning on May 20, you’ll begin seeing nationwide spots that are pushing the “innovative” bottle with commercials featuring Ken Jeong, Questlove and Chuck Liddell.

We haven’t personally seen this new contoured bottle yet, but it sounds like another shameful gimmick from MillerCoors.

Over the years, the big beer companies have unveiled a bunch of marketing gimmicks to entice consumers, whether it’s Bud Light Lime or Heineken keg cans. But, here’s an idea. Instead of creating these gimmicks, why not make a better product? After all, a new bottle or can design isn’t going to slow down the growth of the craft beer industry. But, I digress.

So, in honor of the first new Miller Lite bottle in 40 years, here are the six dumbest beer packing design gimmicks.

6. The Keystone Light “Specially Lined Can”


For some reason, MillerCoors believed that aluminum cans were tarnishing the flavor of Keystone Light. So, they released a “Special” can that had a thin plastic coating to protect the flavor of said beer. Plastic lining or not, Keystone Light is still an extremely cheap beer that “has a sour milk taste with moldy grains adding to the chaos,” according to one reviewer on Beer Advocate.

5. The Coors Light “Vented Wide Mouth Can”


Were you ever sipping on a beer and thought to yourself, “It’s taking me too damn long to finish this,” or, “I’m enjoying this Coors Light so much that I wish I could get more of it into my mouth”? Even if you never had those thoughts, Coors went and solved it for you before it was an actual problem. Back in the 90s, they released a can with a wider mouth, then a decade later, they upped the ante with a wider-mouth can that had a vent on the upper right hand corner of the mouth. This was supposed to “heighten” the flavor of your Coors Light by letting more oxygen in.

4. The Miller Lite “Taste Protector Lid”

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Not Another Beer Review

Miller Lite actually tried to sell us on a new technology called a “taste protector lid,” which would be able to keep the beer’s delicious flavor protected from oxygen? Isn’t that just called a lid? Also, wasn’t MillerCoors the same company that wanted to let more oxygen in? We’re confused…

3. The Bud Light “Etch-It” Label


So many people were drinking Bud Light that consumers were misplacing their bottle of Bud with everyone else’s bottles. No. That didn’t happen, obviously. But, Bud Light must have thought that was the scenario at parties and bars across the nation. Why else would they release a bottle that had a little space where you could write your name, or your number if you’re slick?

2. The Coors Light Cold-Activated Can


Coors Light solved yet another problem that didn’t need solving. This time it was letting you know when your beer was cold when blue mountains appeared on the can. Because, you know, your hand couldn’t let you process this information prior to this release.

1. The Miller Lite “Vortex” Bottle

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvi66xlG0Q0[/youtube]

Back in 2010, Miller Lite introduced the “vortex” bottle, which had grooves inside the neck that funnels the beer out. Years later, no one is still certain on what this was supposed to accomplish, except maybe introducing oxygen to the beer? No. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do with a bottle of wine? And, what about those “protector lids”? Miller is really messing with us here.

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