Offbeat

33 of the Best Women-Bashing Jokes Ever

Women: What would we do without them?

Well, we’d have a lot of peace and quiet and a lot more money, but the truth be told, we’d be miserable. Plus, we wouldn’t have near as many jokes to tell. Sure, you could still make fun of your buddy, but we’d be missing out on a lot of funny opportunities.

Enjoy these great jokes about our beloved women.

33. Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.

32. A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

laundromat

31. Question: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Answer: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

30. Question: How is a woman like a laxative?
Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.

29. Question: What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Answer: Money.

28. A man put an ad in classified section of the newspaper: “Wife Wanted”.
The next day, he received several responses. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine”.

27. Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?
Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

26. Question: Why do men fart more than women?
Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

25. Question: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Answer: Pregnant.

24. Question: What food reduces a woman’s sex drive by at least 90 percent?
Answer: Wedding cake.

23. When a man marries Miss Right, he never realizes that her first name is “Always”.

army1

22. Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

21. Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”

20. A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

19. Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.

18. Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out?
Answer: He died laughing.

17. Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

16. Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.

15. Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.

14. Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.

13. Question: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: Because they want to.

12. Question: Why did God give men penises?
Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.

11. Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.

10. Question: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

9. Question: What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Answer: Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.

beer

8. Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.

7. Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.

6. Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.

5. Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

4. Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.

3. A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.

In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.

The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

2. Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Answer: Divorced.

adam

1. One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.

Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”

“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”

“How much”, asked Adam.

“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

The rest is history.

I know there are many more woman bashing jokes out there. When you’re handed joke material such as a woman herself, the joke possibilities are endless. However, these are my 33 favorites. What are some of your favorites?

Leave a Comment

  1. S. Jouflas says:

    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing, you already told her twice.

  2. S. Jewflas says:

    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

    Cuz she was a woman.

  3. Stephen says:

    how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

    hand your wife a shovel

  4. Fletch says:

    Why shouldn't women drive?
    There's not a road from the bedroom to the kitchen.

    What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
    Kick her…

  5. Joy says:

    FYI- I'm a woman, and I'm still laughing . . . here's one:
    What do you do when you see your wife staggering in the backyard?
    You shoot her again. . .

  6. hanoijim says:

    What do all battered women have in common?
    They don't listen.

  7. No Name says:

    Why did God give Women legs?
    Answer: So they wouldn't leave slug trails.

  8. Pablo Potika says:

    why are women like photocopier machines?
    other than reproducing, they're pretty much useless.

  9. brian says:

    what do 80 thousand battered wives have in common?

    They just don't know when to shut the fu@k up.

  10. Chris says:

    A lot of these were groaners, in my opinion… not the good kind, either. I do like 11 and 16, though. As for my addition, I offer you my absolute favorite lightbulb joke ever.

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. They can't change anything.

    • Jared says:

      How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
      2; 1 to change the lightbulb, and 1 to suck my dick.

  11. zacg says:

    why cant women go in the living room?

    the chain is'nt long enough.

  12. flyfloon says:

    hahahaha best one

    5. Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
    Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

  13. womanizer says:

    hahaha fu#*ing great.

  14. XD! says:

    Why does Beyonce say, "to the left to the left"? cause women have no rights XD

  15. Cassandra says:

    That feminist / light bulb joke is wrong. It's supposed to go:

    How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other one to suck my d*** !

  16. Gert says:

    Q. What is a woman?

    A. Something you lay on while you are having a hump.

  17. Jon says:

    Want to hear a joke?

    I watched the WNBA yesterday

  18. Kay says:

    ouch!!!….i used 2 b a feminist til i read dese jokes esp. dis one…
    “how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    none. they cant change anything…”
    d jokes’ on me………hhahahahaha

    • Dont worry about it says:

      no! how many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 13, 12 to form a support group, and one to get her boyfriend

  19. Jake says:

    this woman's reply leads me to the next joke…
    what happened to the man who finally figured women out?

    he died laughing.

  20. Chuck Norris! says:

    when should a woman get a tan?

    When the roof blows off the fucking kitchen

  21. dman93 says:

    why did the woman cross the road?
    who cares, who let her out of the kitchen?

  22. A Man says:

    There's a woman in a bar and this man goes up to her and they get to talking for hours and eventually the woman grabs the man and says "Make me feel like a woman" so he takes of his jacket and says "I need this ironed."

  23. DannyBoi says:

    Women are like car parks sumtimes all the good ones are taken so sumtimes uve just gota stick it in the disabled one lol

  24. abomb89 says:

    Why do they call it PMS?
    Mad cow disease was already taken!

  25. That guys says:

    Woman are like firecrackers after a good BANG their pretty much useless

  26. motherfingsufferage says:

    what does a woman do as soon as she gets home from her empowering-women's group??

    the damn dishes if she knows what's good for her!!

  27. Clara says:

    what do you call a women with one black eye?
    A quick learner.

    what do you call a women with no black eyes?
    mute

  28. will says:

    why are women and tiles similar

    if you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for years

  29. Brett Fitzgerald says:

    why does helen kellar masturbate with one hand? because she has to moan with the other.

  30. Devon says:

    Wanna hear a joke?

    A woman was driving

  31. rick says:

    why did god give women one brain cell more then he gave to horses? so they wouldnt shit in the street during parades.

  32. TLCTX says:

    How many men does it take to change a lightbulb.
    None let the Bit*h cook in the dark
    XD

  33. hacker says:

    why is womens brain the size of a pea in the morning? it swells overnight.

  34. hacker says:

    why do doctors smack babies on the ass when their born? to knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

  35. Cobey says:

    Why hasn’t NASA sent a women to the moon?
    It doesn’t need cleaned yet.

  36. Thats Nasty says:

    I think thats wrong becuase the women should have ate the Nigger as a small desert.

    • Hilter Rocks says:

      I think that all of this is racist and that you have no life becuase your posting racist comments when you should be fucking each other in the buttholes like a true man. P.S. Hitler Rocks his cock in your mothers face and mouth. (hate black people, uh i mean african americans, uh uh uh i mean niggers NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS FUCKING NIGGERS!!!!!!!!!)

      Love black people btw

  37. Maxedher says:

    What do wives and condoms have in common? They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your c@@K!

  38. Guest says:

    How many men does it take to wallpaper a room.

    It depends on how thinly you slice them.

  39. Qwerty says:

    A man runes over his wife. Whos fault is it?

    The husbands, he shouldn't of been driving in the kitchen.

  40. Rajmj says:

    Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning??
    They dont have the balls to scratch!!

  41. ilovewomansrights says:

    Why is there a window in front of the kitchen sink?
    So the woman can see that she has to mow the lawn after shes done doing the dishes.

  42. zzz says:

    How do you piss off a female archaeologist?
    You give her a used tampon and ask her which period it was from.

  43. frvfd says:

    want to hear a joke?
    Womens rights!

  44. kyle says:

    why do women get yeast infections

    so they can know what its like to live with an earitating cunt

  45. Fred says:

    How do you know beer has female hormones in it?
    It makes you drive bad and talk alot.

  46. bc_d12 says:

    What did one tampon say to another?
    Nothing! Cause they were both stuck up CUNTS!!!!!!!!!!

  47. Random says:

    Q: How do you blind a woman?
    A: Throw a windshield in front of her face.

  48. double entendre says:

    Q: What do u call an anorexic with thrush?

    A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

    Q: Boy asks his dad 'why do women wear white on their wedding day'?

    A: Dad replies: 'Coz son, all household appliances come in white'

  49. David says:

    Why is the Statue of LIberty a woman?? They needed an empty head for the lookout

  50. alb says:

    Women are like bowling balls, it always hard to find one, when u finally get one you stick it in all the holes, play with them, throw them away and they always come right back to you!!